When Ben Franklin sought to transform an adversary into a supporter, he turned to an unusual approach. He later described it in his autobiography as an old maxim.
Franklin wished to befriend or at least neutralize this adversary, so Ben asked him for a favor — to borrow a rare book. The adversary sent it, and Franklin returned it a week later with a note expressing his gratitude. When they next spoke, it was with great civility, a departure from their previous encounters. In time, they became lifelong friends.
He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged — Ben Franklin
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
If you read over the snippet about Franklin’s original request, you might notice the second factor at play. It wasn’t just a favor that he asked; it was a special kind, one that probably evoked a feeling of pride in his adversary.
Franklin’s adversary took great pride in his rare book collection. By asking to borrow from it, Franklin validated his adversary’s passion. He implicitly stated, “You have excellent taste and judgment in books.”
That kind of validation generates warmth and appreciation. It’s hard to avoid liking someone who compliments you on your excellence, passion, or taste.
1. Learn about the people you wish to befriend
Pay attention to the subtle clues people drop in their conversations. What skills do they pride themselves in? What passions do they pursue? Ask questions to learn more about their likes and interests. Pay attention to the things they speak of most. You’ll discover what’s important to them.
2. Ask for a targeted favor
Ask for a favor that’s easy to deliver but meaningful for you to receive. Don’t put someone in an uncomfortable position. Never ask someone to do you a favor when you should be paying them for their work. That’s a surefire strategy to make you unlikable.
3. The gratitude sandwich
Always express gratitude once the favor completes. Start with a sincere thank you. Include a sentence about how it benefitted you or what it meant to you. Sandwich it with a closing, thank you.
“Thank you for getting us into that restaurant. It was an unforgettable evening. My partner can’t stop talking about it. Thanks again. I appreciate your help.”
Avoid saying something like, I owe you one, or I’ll make it up to you. That makes it transactional. Friends do things for each other out of kindness; they don’t enter into transactions.
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Someone said Didn't agree with Obama, but Respected
I wouldn't say they respected Obama.
I disagreed on a lot of things, but he was most certainly more of a gentleman than what we have now.
My my the howl we heard, the character assassinations..Total disrespect. After all, he is black, you know, and a lot of the disrespect came from people who don't particularly like black..
Of course a lot of that howl was led by the right wing commentators , talk hosts, Trumpites....
The saddest thing is that a terrific - good thought - initiative of Obama's was lost, diluted, washed away in all the howl and particularly in the bickering about Obamacare.
I do so wish the media would go back in and identify that,initiative, let it be known.
What was that initiative? Obama felt that too many black men were not being the fathers they should, and wanted to work to reverse that situation. Sort of like those two movies made by the consortium in Albany Georgia (Courageous and Fireproof). Worth getting ahold of.
Soon after Obama was in office I saw huge stand up displays in my primary care waiting room of the HMO I use. The displays explained fully what the need was, not in initiative language but in urging men to be better men and fathers, giving them ideas, inspiriting them,. giving them direction to resources.
So why are not "conservatives" remembering this? Because they are not true to the label they adopt. They are not true conservatives That's my story, and I'm sticking with it.
I disagreed on a lot of things, but he was most certainly more of a gentleman than what we have now.
My my the howl we heard, the character assassinations..Total disrespect. After all, he is black, you know, and a lot of the disrespect came from people who don't particularly like black..
Of course a lot of that howl was led by the right wing commentators , talk hosts, Trumpites....
The saddest thing is that a terrific - good thought - initiative of Obama's was lost, diluted, washed away in all the howl and particularly in the bickering about Obamacare.
I do so wish the media would go back in and identify that,initiative, let it be known.
What was that initiative? Obama felt that too many black men were not being the fathers they should, and wanted to work to reverse that situation. Sort of like those two movies made by the consortium in Albany Georgia (Courageous and Fireproof). Worth getting ahold of.
Soon after Obama was in office I saw huge stand up displays in my primary care waiting room of the HMO I use. The displays explained fully what the need was, not in initiative language but in urging men to be better men and fathers, giving them ideas, inspiriting them,. giving them direction to resources.
So why are not "conservatives" remembering this? Because they are not true to the label they adopt. They are not true conservatives That's my story, and I'm sticking with it.
Thursday, July 18, 2019
From Chaplain Jason Olson - no go back
Growing up as a Jewish child in America, I was once told by an Irish Catholic schoolmate not that I should “go back” to Eastern Europe where my ancestors emigrated from, but that I should “go back” to the gas chambers.
“Go back” is language we should not be using in 21st century America.
Stakes in the Ground, and a Populist's Grandfather
Thomas Jaworek is the conservative mayor of Kallstadt Germany, where Friedrich was born and then left as a teenager. The mayor said that if our president were to visit, he hoped he would at least leave Kallstadt with a changed view on migration, citizenship AND BELONGING. After all, Friedrich was a migrant.
Born in 1869 into a modest family that ran a small vineyard, Friedrich initially worked in a barbershop in a neighboring town. But opening his own barbershop in Kallstadt proved difficult. There already was a barber in town. Friedrich was also expected under German law to serve in the military for some time.
“The stifling lack of opportunity in the village seemed to close in on him. Without any apparent opportunity for a better life, he saw what lay ahead was dreary, difficult, and poor,” author Gwenda Blair wrote. “He seemed to have no choice but to leave."
The 16-year-old found his escape by migrating to the United States, where he arrived in 1885.
He later came back and married a Kallstadt local, Elizabeth Christ, but eventually returned to the United States. Local authorities considered him to be a draft dodger.
My Mother's immigrant German ancestor did a similar thing. As soon as he was naturalized in Wisconsin, he made a beeline back to Germany and brought back an apparent sister, within a month. He had also left that land due to the military requirement that he didn't want. (I am told that while there, his wife - descendant of an early American Culver Pilgrim - bore twins in a situation we know nothing about.)
More than a century on, one of his grandsons is pursuing a hard-line immigration policy that — if it had been in place in the 1880s — would have likely disqualified Friedrich from staying in the United States.
Now, after his racist tweets targeting four critical minority lawmakers, some residents said he is not welcome and that even his distant link to the town is a source of embarrassment. Beatrix Riede, 61, who heads an association for women in the town, said, “I can only wish Americans that they will elect someone who turns on his mind before saying something,”
t's about stakes in the ground, and our attitude, now that we are here.
Born in 1869 into a modest family that ran a small vineyard, Friedrich initially worked in a barbershop in a neighboring town. But opening his own barbershop in Kallstadt proved difficult. There already was a barber in town. Friedrich was also expected under German law to serve in the military for some time.
“The stifling lack of opportunity in the village seemed to close in on him. Without any apparent opportunity for a better life, he saw what lay ahead was dreary, difficult, and poor,” author Gwenda Blair wrote. “He seemed to have no choice but to leave."
The 16-year-old found his escape by migrating to the United States, where he arrived in 1885.
He later came back and married a Kallstadt local, Elizabeth Christ, but eventually returned to the United States. Local authorities considered him to be a draft dodger.
My Mother's immigrant German ancestor did a similar thing. As soon as he was naturalized in Wisconsin, he made a beeline back to Germany and brought back an apparent sister, within a month. He had also left that land due to the military requirement that he didn't want. (I am told that while there, his wife - descendant of an early American Culver Pilgrim - bore twins in a situation we know nothing about.)
More than a century on, one of his grandsons is pursuing a hard-line immigration policy that — if it had been in place in the 1880s — would have likely disqualified Friedrich from staying in the United States.
Now, after his racist tweets targeting four critical minority lawmakers, some residents said he is not welcome and that even his distant link to the town is a source of embarrassment. Beatrix Riede, 61, who heads an association for women in the town, said, “I can only wish Americans that they will elect someone who turns on his mind before saying something,”
t's about stakes in the ground, and our attitude, now that we are here.
About Stakes in the ground, and Immigrant Grandfathers
The Kampf GGF of my children's mother, like the GGF ancestor of my mother - and like Friedrich of my earlier post - was an immigrant from Germany, coming in the 1800's into the US speaking a different language and with different customs. The reception was not squeaky perfect, but they worked through it in an atmosphere more tolerant to "more people".
I loved Tony, a retired UofW professor, who - in retirement, was making violin bows. Tony came as a child with his father from Italy, and spoke of being dirt poor; no socks, hardly any food, woefully inadequate abode.
I asked him how he got to be a professor from that situation.
He said he and those like him were shunned and beat upon a bit by the English speaking kids from families that were already here. (Some would say "they had a stake in the ground already.") So? So he bore down and studied, studied, studied. That's all he could do. No TV... Tony was a very fine man, a friendly but refined air about him, who taught and uplifted a great many people.
He didn't come to our country with the credentials or criteria that Steven Miller is driving his country's government to establish for people to be allowed to immigrant.
I'd add, as noted in a post about Ellis Island in 1909, that in that year, they were allowed in without visas or any paperwork at all. They just had to get here and step off the boat.
Yes, there is a reason for all things. And there is unreasonable, too. We need to be aware of the human elements of history, and of people who did HUGE things for, or in, this country who came from laughable origins. History of most any era of the USA shows that some, without any potential evident up front, have gone on to do HUGE things, leading to giant steps in advancement of technology, health, culture....
It's about stakes in the ground, and our attitude, now that we are here.
I loved Tony, a retired UofW professor, who - in retirement, was making violin bows. Tony came as a child with his father from Italy, and spoke of being dirt poor; no socks, hardly any food, woefully inadequate abode.
I asked him how he got to be a professor from that situation.
He said he and those like him were shunned and beat upon a bit by the English speaking kids from families that were already here. (Some would say "they had a stake in the ground already.") So? So he bore down and studied, studied, studied. That's all he could do. No TV... Tony was a very fine man, a friendly but refined air about him, who taught and uplifted a great many people.
He didn't come to our country with the credentials or criteria that Steven Miller is driving his country's government to establish for people to be allowed to immigrant.
I'd add, as noted in a post about Ellis Island in 1909, that in that year, they were allowed in without visas or any paperwork at all. They just had to get here and step off the boat.
Yes, there is a reason for all things. And there is unreasonable, too. We need to be aware of the human elements of history, and of people who did HUGE things for, or in, this country who came from laughable origins. History of most any era of the USA shows that some, without any potential evident up front, have gone on to do HUGE things, leading to giant steps in advancement of technology, health, culture....
It's about stakes in the ground, and our attitude, now that we are here.
Friday, July 5, 2019
Thinking about Word of Wisdom, and being wise about it.
This, written on facebook as a comment on the following:
https://hiracumorah.org/2019/07/01/misunderstandings-regarding-the-word-of-wisdom/
Ah, the wisdom part! You are very brave in your assessment, and I think you bring out the wisdom part which satisfies a great need. Love the way you expressed it.
There are many things that are not written in that scripture, yet it remains our reference even when insisting upon many things that are not written therein and ignoring things that are written.
Context is really important in so many things, and I think the Savior, when traveling physically on this earth, brought the context alive in many things... OK, call it the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law.
Moderation in all things. That thing that was in common dialogue when I joined the Church in the '70s, but isn't spoken much now. (Many things are that way.)
I will add a comment that may not be popular with the letter of the law people.
Green tea - in moderation of course - is known unargumentative as a healthy thing, and it does not alter the mental state.Strictly as a matter of discussion, when you do a lot of research on gout, and on kidney issues, you may find that a SMALL amount of coffee will help the kidney discharge Uric acid. (The issues of uric acid need to be known, visit an assisted living or other old folks adobe.)
At 79, I don't presently take prescription medicine (i.e., chemicals) and don't smile broadly with friends who do all what, and only what, doctors say... won't do anything until talking to the doctor... I've seen too much damage among my broad and close extended family and friends.
To continue: much coffee is of course destructive, in the physical sense. Some believe that caffeine, without being within a roasted* bean product, has relative acceptability. I couldn't argue with that. Moderation.
*roasted: Inflammation and irritation is identified with likelihood of a part of our body becoming cancerous. Charred foods, etc. are part of that picture. I am glad to now know it. I am a 14 year big C survivor; it was stage 3.
Soft drinks. I diverge from you. There are a few of us who have learned that soft drinks, ESPECIALLY without moderation, are really bad for the gut and for the urinary system. I used to indulge significantly - before my surgery (colon, and later, bladder). A manager warned of his own experience. I am happy to be without ANY soft drinks. It just simply, and definitely, is not worth it.
NOT all of us are the same, but why push it? Later more than sooner it must might have an affect on our self sufficiency and resilience; ability to get along sometime without close attendance and chemicals.. Natural laws of God. That's my story, sticking with it. No, I am not a W.O.W. fanatic. But I do think.
https://hiracumorah.org/2019/07/01/misunderstandings-regarding-the-word-of-wisdom/
Ah, the wisdom part! You are very brave in your assessment, and I think you bring out the wisdom part which satisfies a great need. Love the way you expressed it.
There are many things that are not written in that scripture, yet it remains our reference even when insisting upon many things that are not written therein and ignoring things that are written.
Context is really important in so many things, and I think the Savior, when traveling physically on this earth, brought the context alive in many things... OK, call it the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law.
Moderation in all things. That thing that was in common dialogue when I joined the Church in the '70s, but isn't spoken much now. (Many things are that way.)
I will add a comment that may not be popular with the letter of the law people.
Green tea - in moderation of course - is known unargumentative as a healthy thing, and it does not alter the mental state.Strictly as a matter of discussion, when you do a lot of research on gout, and on kidney issues, you may find that a SMALL amount of coffee will help the kidney discharge Uric acid. (The issues of uric acid need to be known, visit an assisted living or other old folks adobe.)
At 79, I don't presently take prescription medicine (i.e., chemicals) and don't smile broadly with friends who do all what, and only what, doctors say... won't do anything until talking to the doctor... I've seen too much damage among my broad and close extended family and friends.
To continue: much coffee is of course destructive, in the physical sense. Some believe that caffeine, without being within a roasted* bean product, has relative acceptability. I couldn't argue with that. Moderation.
*roasted: Inflammation and irritation is identified with likelihood of a part of our body becoming cancerous. Charred foods, etc. are part of that picture. I am glad to now know it. I am a 14 year big C survivor; it was stage 3.
Soft drinks. I diverge from you. There are a few of us who have learned that soft drinks, ESPECIALLY without moderation, are really bad for the gut and for the urinary system. I used to indulge significantly - before my surgery (colon, and later, bladder). A manager warned of his own experience. I am happy to be without ANY soft drinks. It just simply, and definitely, is not worth it.
NOT all of us are the same, but why push it? Later more than sooner it must might have an affect on our self sufficiency and resilience; ability to get along sometime without close attendance and chemicals.. Natural laws of God. That's my story, sticking with it. No, I am not a W.O.W. fanatic. But I do think.
Monday, March 4, 2019
How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked
The late LeGrand Baker (not related), a well-written professor of ancient scripture, produced a 770 page book as one of his works. I have a copy, as well as a PDF. His ideas were very inspiring and revealing to me, although not universally accepted. I'm sure he comes from a Judaic background to be Christ based in the way few do.
No, I haven't ever gotten through all of the book. Read and listened to much (with a text to speech app while exercising or walking). It has laid on my living room table.
The other day, I felt inspired to open it. As oft happens in study, it opened to a section never read but most inspiring; it made me think of current events in this world. I'd like to share a trimmed up version of what I read. The last few paragraphs are the meat of it, but the sequence is necessary.
Psalms 82 (A Psalm of Asaph.)
God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods.
***How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? ***Selah.
Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy.
Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.
They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course.
**I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.**
But ye shall die like men, and fall like one of the princes.
Arise, O God, judge the earth: for thou shalt inherit all nations.
Another scripture:
“God saw these souls [the noble and great ones] that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make my rulers.” There he was standing and judging or choosing.
How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked?
The Hebrew reads simply “the wicked.” The Tanakh, which is the official Jewish translation of the Old Testament, renders this verse as “How long will you judge perversely, showing favor to the wicked?”
That is the pivotal question upon which everyone’s salvation ultimately turns. It is about prejudice, bigotry, and intolerance. As soon as we arrive in this world, ***no matter what human culture we arrive in***,
that culture teaches us that some people are better than others, so favor should be shown to those with political prestige, money, education, expensive toys, “correct” cultural preferences, and “appropriate” lifestyle. It does not matter whether they are better because they have ten cows rather than just two, or whether they have a huge house rather than a simple one. The principle is the same—and that idea that some people are better than others—says God in these instructions to his children, is the misconception they must first correct in themselves, and **then reject altogether**.
One does not judge people by their appearances or by their prestige.... There could have been no question about the implications of that command.
The Law was explicit:
5 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might (Deuteronomy 6:5).
18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord (Leviticus 19:18).
No, I haven't ever gotten through all of the book. Read and listened to much (with a text to speech app while exercising or walking). It has laid on my living room table.
The other day, I felt inspired to open it. As oft happens in study, it opened to a section never read but most inspiring; it made me think of current events in this world. I'd like to share a trimmed up version of what I read. The last few paragraphs are the meat of it, but the sequence is necessary.
Psalms 82 (A Psalm of Asaph.)
God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods.
***How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? ***Selah.
Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy.
Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.
They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course.
**I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.**
But ye shall die like men, and fall like one of the princes.
Arise, O God, judge the earth: for thou shalt inherit all nations.
Another scripture:
“God saw these souls [the noble and great ones] that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make my rulers.” There he was standing and judging or choosing.
How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked?
The Hebrew reads simply “the wicked.” The Tanakh, which is the official Jewish translation of the Old Testament, renders this verse as “How long will you judge perversely, showing favor to the wicked?”
That is the pivotal question upon which everyone’s salvation ultimately turns. It is about prejudice, bigotry, and intolerance. As soon as we arrive in this world, ***no matter what human culture we arrive in***,
that culture teaches us that some people are better than others, so favor should be shown to those with political prestige, money, education, expensive toys, “correct” cultural preferences, and “appropriate” lifestyle. It does not matter whether they are better because they have ten cows rather than just two, or whether they have a huge house rather than a simple one. The principle is the same—and that idea that some people are better than others—says God in these instructions to his children, is the misconception they must first correct in themselves, and **then reject altogether**.
One does not judge people by their appearances or by their prestige.... There could have been no question about the implications of that command.
The Law was explicit:
5 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might (Deuteronomy 6:5).
18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord (Leviticus 19:18).
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