When Ben Franklin sought to transform an adversary into a supporter, he turned to an unusual approach. He later described it in his autobiography as an old maxim.
Franklin wished to befriend or at least neutralize this adversary, so Ben asked him for a favor — to borrow a rare book. The adversary sent it, and Franklin returned it a week later with a note expressing his gratitude. When they next spoke, it was with great civility, a departure from their previous encounters. In time, they became lifelong friends.
He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged — Ben Franklin
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
If you read over the snippet about Franklin’s original request, you might notice the second factor at play. It wasn’t just a favor that he asked; it was a special kind, one that probably evoked a feeling of pride in his adversary.
Franklin’s adversary took great pride in his rare book collection. By asking to borrow from it, Franklin validated his adversary’s passion. He implicitly stated, “You have excellent taste and judgment in books.”
That kind of validation generates warmth and appreciation. It’s hard to avoid liking someone who compliments you on your excellence, passion, or taste.
1. Learn about the people you wish to befriend
Pay attention to the subtle clues people drop in their conversations. What skills do they pride themselves in? What passions do they pursue? Ask questions to learn more about their likes and interests. Pay attention to the things they speak of most. You’ll discover what’s important to them.
2. Ask for a targeted favor
Ask for a favor that’s easy to deliver but meaningful for you to receive. Don’t put someone in an uncomfortable position. Never ask someone to do you a favor when you should be paying them for their work. That’s a surefire strategy to make you unlikable.
3. The gratitude sandwich
Always express gratitude once the favor completes. Start with a sincere thank you. Include a sentence about how it benefitted you or what it meant to you. Sandwich it with a closing, thank you.
“Thank you for getting us into that restaurant. It was an unforgettable evening. My partner can’t stop talking about it. Thanks again. I appreciate your help.”
Avoid saying something like, I owe you one, or I’ll make it up to you. That makes it transactional. Friends do things for each other out of kindness; they don’t enter into transactions.
